


Pit Row Peril

by silveradept



Category: The Perils of Penelope Pitstop (Cartoon)
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Canon-typical peril, Gen, Interactive Narrator, Radio Serial Narration
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-20
Updated: 2018-09-20
Packaged: 2019-07-14 14:36:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16042454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silveradept/pseuds/silveradept
Summary: Our Herione, Penelope Pitstop, is at the track to observe the inaugural running of the Pitstop 500. But even though Penelope's not racing on the track, there's still plenty of peril from that dastardly villain, The Hooded Claw!





	Pit Row Peril

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DesertVixen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DesertVixen/gifts).



When we last left Penelope Pitstop, heiress to the Pitstop fortune, she was taking a day at the race track, to see the inaugural running of the Pitstop 500.

"As the guest of honor, I'm supposed to start the race, present the winner with their prize, and sip juleps in between, according to this schedule created by my guardian, Sylvester Sneekly," said Penelope.

Unbenkownst to Penelope, her supposedly loyal guardian, Sylvester Sneekly, is really that villain of villains, The Hooded Claw. What sort of villainy does he have in store for Penelope today?

"Well," the villain says, clearly adjusting the rear fins on some of the race cars, "when you get done with your unnecessary editorializing, you can watch. I'm told these days that audiences hate....spoilers."

The fiend! His terrible laugh can only mean that he has plenty of peril in mind for Penelope!

"You're darn tootin', I do. Now run along, boys, and do what I told you to do."

"Right," say the Bully Brothers, assistants to the Hooded Claw and ne'er-do-wells in their own right. Hefting hammers, they leave the garage space as we hear the Hooded Claw's laugh once more.

Meanwhile, Penelope is getting herself into the pole position of the dignitaries present to open the race. It's just about time for Penelope to officially start the race.

"Racers, start your engines!"

With that command, the racers turn the keys in the engines of their speed machines, and....nothing happens! The familiar roar of the machines is instead a deafening silence!

"Oh, dear. That can't be good."

"Not good for you, Penelope, but it's perfect for me."

The Hooded Claw! With the attention focused on the derelict cars, it's a simple enough task for the Bully Brothers to spirit Penelope away from the platform and tie her to a stack of tires in the garage!

"You'll love this one, Penelope. The tires in this garage are stacked rather haphazardly, with a strong emphasis on the hazard. Once the Bully Brothers remove these two tires," he says, gesturing to the two tires that look like they're bearing the most weight, "it will start a cascade of falling tires rolling toward you. To make sure that you get the point, I've left these spiked tires for last, when you won't be able to escape. All I need you to do is roll with it."

And with a final laugh, the Bully Brothers and the Hooded Claw leave, taking the load-bearing tires with them! How will Penelope escape this dangerous deluge? The tire tsunami is nearly upon her, but Penelope isn't trying to protect herself!

"Would you be a little quieter, please? Calculations are hard to do with a running narration."

Oh. Sorry, Penelope.

"Thank you."

After a moment's more thought, Penelope flings herself and the tire stack she is tied to onto the ground! But...after a bounce on the floor and a bounce on the wall, Penelope is on top of the tire wave! What a smart maneuver. She's not out of danger yet, however, as the spiked tires are still bearing down on her position. With one more wriggle, Penelope just barely grazes one of the spiked tires, cutting the rope holding her to this death trap! A quick spring off the top of the stack and she's out of peril while the tires spill through the garage's door and out of harm's way. IT looks like she's....surfing the tire stack down to safety!

"Well, riding a wave is still riding a wave, even if it's rubber instead of water."

"Too bad for you that it's a wipeout, Penelope."

Our heroine's ability to stay on top of things is delivering her right back into the talons of the Hooded Claw! With a swiftness that would be impressive for a man twice his age, the villain spirits Penelope away.

"I've often found your resilience rather exhausting, Penelope," the villain says, making sure that Penelope is immobilized in another garage. "But this time, I think we can make an exception. It's rather careless of me, of course, to leave a car running in a closed garage. The carbon monoxide levels will soon be too terrible to breathe, and not too soon after that, Penelope Pitstop will expire, done in by one of the race cars that she so proudly sponsored."

After making sure his evil laugh is still terribly out of tune, the Hooded Claw turns the key and starts the car.

"And just to be certain, I'm locking the garage, taking the keys to that lock with me, and putting all sorts of very heavy material in front of the door," he adds. "No easy escapes for you, my dear."

The Bully Brothers pull the garage door shut easily, and a padlock is applied to the door. It doesn't look good for Penelope at the moment.

Surprisingly, Penelope seems unperturbed and is already working on removing the ropes that bind her. How her fingers can find the knots and undo them seems incomprehensible to me, but there is a clear method at work here. Penelope sheds a rope and pulls the goggles on top of her helmet down over her eyes, sparing them the irritation of the exhaust filling the garage. Not too soon after that, our heroine has removed herself from the ropes entirely, but that still means she has to contend with a garage that's losing air and has its only exit blocked and locked! How will Penelope escape this deadly trap? Has the Hooded Claw finally found a way to achieve his terrible goal?

But wait! Penelope seems to have wheeled over a large tank to the door. Now she's flipped down a visor, and there's... of course! She's found a welding torch and is using it to slowly cut through both door and lock. When did she learn to use those kinds of tools?

"Shop class, like any girl would."

The lock has been cut and there's a small hole to let some air in, but Penelope is going to have to open the door to get out. It's still a race against time and oxygen supply.

"And I'll be right here to wave the checkered flag," says the Hooded Claw, with another laugh that could make a small child's teddy bear scamper away in fear.

"Wait a minute," the fiend says, cutting his laugh short. "What's that sound?"

That sound is the sound of a victory lap being cut short, as the garage door slides open and a racing car with the accelerator held down bursts through the obstacles laid in front of the garage.

"Blast!" yells the villain as he begins to flee, but no matter which way he turns, there seems to be an obstacle that redirects the vehicle back into his path. It must be embarrassing, being hoist by one's petard so thoroughly.

"I'll have time to be embarrassed after I ensure that I'm alive."

It looks like the Bully Brothers will assist on this, with a rope stretched across the hallway that's going to be at exactly ankle height. The Hooded Claw deftly avoids the tripping hazard, but the car certainly will not, and it looks like the Bully Brothers will be the ones taken on a joyride. That should hold them for a while.

Penelope has almost found her way out of these sinister garages and the Hooded Claw's traps.

"Excuse me, sir," says our lost heroine, "but can you direct me to the skyboxes? I'm supposed to meet someone there."

"Certainly," says the usher. "And because you're a very important person, let me offer you the use of this cart to get you there."

"Why thank you," says Penelope.

The usher turns the key to start the cart, but it instead reveals the passenger seat is an ejector, springing Penelope into the air, landing in the waiting sack held by the Bully Brothers! That usher, or should I say, the Hooded Claw, besmirches the name of all service personnel.

"Well, of course. I make it a policy to never help anyone who needs it. I have standards to maintain."

The Bully Brothers swiftly transport Penelope to the site of the Hooded Claw's latest scheme.

"It seems that last plan was too slow to be effective, Penelope. Perhaps if we make things a little swifter, you will find it more your speed."

Swiftly applying knots and rope that should only be used in Boy Scout camps or sailing craft, The Hooded Claw dumps Penelope in the trunk of a racing car.

"High-speed racing is thrilling, and chilling, and inevitably, someone is going to get close enough to the back of this car that the catch on this hood will open, thanks to the void of air pressure created by slipstream drafting, and when it does, Penelope Pitstop will perform the role of the parachute that doesn't deploy. It's a part I think she'll be particularly well-suited for."

With a laugh that would make Richard Nixon look like a comedy god, The Hooded Claw slams the hood with his own claws.

"That's not very nice. I'll have you know, I get my nails manicured regularly."

The cars are about to arrange themselves in the starting grid to finally start the race. Unless Penelope can free herself from this predicament, she'll be a very messy streak in turn four! With the Hooded Claw watching, there would be no escape, even if she could have freed herself from the car in time!

And there go the cars to start the race! I can't watch the tragedy about to unfold!

"I certainly can. There's a certain satisfaction that you get watching all of your hard work come to fruition."

As the cars race around the track, I can't help but wonder where the perennial peril preventers, The Ant Hill Mob, are. By now, they would have arrived on the scene.

"Oh, that's easy," our heroine says, from her pressbox high above the racing action. "There was a qualifying heat for the Wacky Races today, and the Ant Hill Mob needs to do well in their race to come on next year's tour."

If there's a qualifier, why aren't you there, Penelope?

"Oh, me? I've already qualified, based on how many of the races I won last year. It's the only reason I can be here right now."

Well, I suppose that makes sense...wait a minute! How are you here, in the pressbox? The last time we saw you, The Hooded Claw had stuffed you in the trunk of one of those racing cars.

"Well, there are secrets that a lady should never tell. And several more when she's an active member of the Society of American Magicians."

I guess we'll never know, then. But wait! One of the cars has spun from the track and crashed itself into the walls! A large piece of shrapnel has, in seeming defiance of all laws of physics, vaulted the retaining fence and is on a direct collision course with Penelope! The only thing standing between herself and certain doom is the glass at the front of her pressbox!

Sylvester Sneekly, currently not in his disguise as the Hooded Claw, is putting on an Oscar-worthy performance of concern and fear as the large object hurtles through the air.

"Why, thank you. It's nice to know the Academy is looking out for the little guy."

Aren't you worried that you're going to be caught by this as well?

"Penelope Pitstop is not the only person in this room who can do advanced mathematical calculations, you know."

There's no time for anyone to react! The piece of shrapnel crashes into the glass front of the pressbox!

 

...and stays there, partially penetrated into the glass, suspended in midair, with spider cracks and other indications of damage from the point of impact, but without shattering, blasting, or otherwise structurally failing.

"Well, of course not, silly," our heroine points out to another person in the box with her, who had just asked about the same thing. "We want the experience of the fans to be as safe as possible. We installed the very best in impact-resistant glass that we could, should just such a situation arise."

"Yes," said Sneekly, "It wold be such a tragedy if Penelope were to perish at this point. There would be witnesses."

"Witnesses?" our heroine replies.

"Yes. Gawkers, paparazzi. The kind of people who would very much enjoy the opportunity to photograph and then display the bodies killed in a disaster all over the front page of their tabloids. A grisly business, indeed."

I think that Sylvester Sneekly might have other reasons for not wanting witnesses to the disasters that will befall our heroine, but for now, I suppose we can count ourselves thankful for these witnesses, so that the Hooded Claw can't take advantage of this to try and hurt or abduct Penelope.

"This is a temporary setback, I assure you," says Sneekly. "I'm a patient man. I'll get you, Penelope Pitstop."

"Hmm?" says our heroine, not fully understanding the implications.

"To safety, of course," he hastily adds. "I'll get you to safety."

That act might be good enough to fill Penelope, but we know that as soon as there's an opportunity, The Hooded Claw will reappear, and he will try again to create The Perils of Penelope Pitstop!


End file.
